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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22382668">no training wheels left for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/weonderlust/pseuds/weonderlust'>weonderlust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Best Friend's Brother AU, Coming of Age, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, mentions of drinking, will i ever go back to writing less than 10k?: the saga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:42:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,202</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22382668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/weonderlust/pseuds/weonderlust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yukhei pinches his cheeks, “You dyed your hair. It looks good on you.” Renjun fiddles with the yellow hair clips in his silver hair and wills his heart to calm down. He has learned Yukhei’s hands are tangled in moonlight and he should have left burn marks where his fingertips linger on the earth of Renjun’s skin but he doesn’t. He is soft and gentle like he’s always been. When he smiles, it reminds Renjun of unattainability. It’s not a nice feeling.</p><p>(Or: Renjun likes Jaemin’s brother. It’s not a big deal, except that it kind of is.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>396</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>no training wheels left for you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>was gna post this on yukhei’s birthday but the sudden release of a level results threw me in a frenzy so i need this outta the way 🤯 also realized i’m posting this on mbhg’s monthsary hehe. i hope u like this one ♥︎ (#lurencomeback #wehavenomorecrumbs)</p><p>fun (?) fact: this was going to be pure fluff and 6k words at most but writing this forced me to revisit whatever was left of the repressed feelings i had for my best friend’s brother… so naturally, i’d poured all of them into this fic. i refuse to be ashamed ｡ﾟ(｡ﾉωヽ｡)ﾟ｡</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As they walked down the senior year’s hallway, Renjun listens to Jaemin noisily suck on the straw of his drink, savouring what’s left inside his apple juice box before announcing, “Yukhei is coming back.”</p><p>Caught off-guard for the first time in over a year, Renjun almost—just almost—stops right then and there, potentially getting him in two types of mess: blocking the way for other students, and/or being pushed over by a running one (long story short: Donghyuck, his seatmate in English, almost brains himself on the mahogany cabinet outside the faculty room because a sophomore was running late).</p><p><em> However</em>, he tells himself, it’s been a year and he has gained somewhat self-restraint to swallow the big fat butterflies that tango in his stomach whenever Jaemin’s brother is involved. He pats his belly, remembering that he has yet to answer and goes for a safe: “Oh.” They stop in front of Jaemin’s English classroom.</p><p>“Yeah—<em>oh</em>,” Jaemin giggles, making a show of dunk-shooting his now empty and crumpled juice box into the rubbish bin before sliding the door open. “He’s coming back home for his semester break. Should have done months ago but <em>eh</em>. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know.”</p><p>“Uh,” Renjun stuffs his hands into the pockets of his berry-blue blazer. “Why?”</p><p>Jaemin smiles. “Well, I thought you missed him?”</p><p>Renjun yawns, walking away but not before throwing a snooty <em> Maybe not! </em>into the air, listening to Jaemin’s laughter fading into the buzz of the students lingering in the hallway.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>A ROUGH TIMELINE OF HUANG RENJUN’S RELATIONSHIP WITH WONG YUKHEI:</p><p>1.</p><p>The first time Renjun meets Yukhei is when he’s four at a wedding under the night sky, heaven gifting the night with thousands of stars that have always been light years away but close enough so everyone in their prettiest suits and dresses under the white tents could see. Jaemin had been bouncing off his toes—over the moon—for <em> months </em> now, ever since Auntie Na was proposed by the prettiest teacher in their school, Miss Wong. Renjun remembered his blushy pink face, dressed in his prettiest white suit. Renjun wore pastel blue.</p><p>(“You’re so lucky, Nana,” Renjun had said, both of them holding onto Grandma Na’s hand, “Miss Wong will help you with all the homework. Or - or! Not give you any!”</p><p>“Wait…” Jaemin taps his chin once, muffin crumbs all over his face, before exclaiming, “Whoa, you’re right!”)</p><p>Except, Jaemin never slipped in the information that not only he’ll have another mother; in addition, he’ll also have an older brother. Renjun didn’t know that until -</p><p>Jaemin drags Renjun to a separate white-clothed table and tugged him on the sleeves of his suit, excitingly declaring, “This is my new brother, Yukhei!” Somewhere at the gazebo, <em> Fly Me to the Moon </em> started playing, but Renjun could barely remember what happens next. The question <em> What do you mean new brother? </em>dies on his tongue the moment he saw what four-year-old Renjun thought was the most handsomest boy he’s ever seen. Nothing really registered in Renjun’s mind after that; only the way the universe had thought the planets and all the stars in the solar system were in perfect alignment to show how bedazzling Yukhei was. Renjun remembered the feeling of drowning in Yukhei’s smile, oh so shy and lovely, two big teeth in front and the apple of his cheeks tinged with pink cosmic dust.</p><p>And then he <em> laughed</em>.</p><p>Yukhei had laughed, handing Renjun a pink flower and said, “This smells like chocolate. Smell it.”</p><p>(“Renjun, oh my God, that’s adorable,” Donghyuck had chuckled when Renjun told him this story later on, “Four-year-old you most likely started associating him with flowers. Am I wrong?”</p><p>“I think,” Renjun says, “I think I thought of him as a star. I don’t really remember what kind of flower it was.”)</p><p>
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  <br/>
</p><p>The week after the wedding, Renjun had came over to Jaemin’s house just down the hill and gifted Yukhei a pastel pink (Jaemin said it was his favourite colour) envelope full of his favourite colourful star stickers. Yukhei had clutched it into his chest before asking, “Why?” and Renjun shyly answered that he thought of him as a star before being engulfed into a tight hug and have Yukhei yelling next to his ear, “Well, you’re a star, too! ONE THAT LIGHTS UP THE ENTIRE WORLD!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>2.</p><p>A month after Renjun turned six, two of his classmates get married—something about being inspired by Jaemin’s mothers (but also because Jaemin haven’t stopped proudly telling everyone he has two moms now). His class held the event right before naptime in the playground behind their school, just next to the garden. Jaemin was the priest and invited Yukhei and everyone in his class as special guests. Renjun watches his friends exchange <em> I do</em>’s, kissing cheeks; everyone still clapping as their teacher ushered them back into the building.</p><p>The next day, during breaktime, Yukhei gave him a box with another pink flower on top as a bow. Inside, dozens of glow-in-the-dark star stickers. The sticky note, two Moomins drawn on it, was attached to the gift; it had said -</p><p>
  <em> this is so u know next time i will be the 1 to marry u ok? </em>
</p><p>
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</p><p>(Now, on sleepless nights, Renjun would stare at his ceiling littered with the dimmed glowing stars and think he could accurately map out Yukhei’s smile in them.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>3.</p><p>Middle school in itself is a blur.</p><p>Yukhei is a year older than him so when Renjun was finally in sixth grade, Yukhei is galaxies far ahead of him in high school. Everytime Renjun came over at Jaemin’s house, Yukhei is almost never seen. “Mom says high schoolers are like that—private and reserved and you know… <em> puberty</em>, eurgh,” Jaemin grimaced.</p><p> </p><p>(Renjun does see him, though, just not <em> always </em> like he’s used to. He asked himself: what rights does he have to even <em> get used </em> to seeing him in the first place? He had reminded himself countless times <em> not </em> to expect seeing him almost everyday anymore, especially when he came across Yukhei’s middle school graduation photo captioned <em> CLASS OF 2010 </em> on Mrs Wong’s FaceBook profile.</p><p>There was that time, during the winter, when Yukhei had came over to pick Jaemin up from Renjun’s house after they spent the evening playing in the snow. Even with the January blue seeping into the sky and into his skin, he thinks high school freshman Yukhei looks absolutely beautiful: acne on bubblegum cheeks, dimples on both sides, a summer’s blessing in winter.</p><p>Sometimes, it’s moments like these he wished he didn’t have to fight himself and just courageously burn the image of Yukhei into his mind, you know?)</p><p>
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  <br/>
</p><p>And then -</p><p>There is a moment, somewhere right before June blossoms into July, Renjun had came over on a hot Saturday to spend the entire day cooped up in Jaemin’s room (full of Marvel posters, too much pillows, even more Ryan plushies to count) to finish on the last bits of their science project: the Solar System model made from foam hard balls painted colourfully to resemble the sun and the planets. Yukhei had barged in to ask them why Pluto was added and Jaemin replied by throwing his BT21 Shooky plushie at his face, “No one likes to be left out!”</p><p>Once the project was done, they moved the whole thing (Pluto and all) into the living room because Jaemin is proud in a way that he should be, and wanted to show it to his mothers. Against Renjun’s own will, they made a little show, presenting fun facts for each planet, and he kind of just stood there, heart fluttering against the cages of his chest because Yukhei was sitting at the breakfast nook, munching on an apple—watching.</p><p>Renjun ended their impromptu presentation rather shakily.</p><p>After a standing ovation, Auntie Na asks him, “Is it time for you to go home?”</p><p>“Aw,” Auntie Wong cooes, and Renjun tries not to look at Yukhei when he started making his way towards the living room, perching himself behind the sofa. “Can’t you stay the night? You’re always welcome to use Jaemin’s clothes.”</p><p>Yukhei snorts, “Not the one in the bottom-right drawers. You don’t want <em> those</em>.”</p><p>Renjun laughs while Jaemin yelled a <em> Shut up! </em>as he places the solar system on the table of one corner. “I can’t stay,” he explains, “Kun-ge is treating us to hotpot tonight.”</p><p>“<em>Wah</em>,” Auntie Wong said, turning her head to face her wife, “We should do that some time this week, too.”</p><p>“I can walk you home, if you want?” Yukhei asked ever so casually, the suave brother of his best friend in movies, but the impact has Renjun feeling attacked by thousands of swarming yellow butterflies.</p><p>“A gentleman, my son,” Auntie Wong patting his head before ruffling his hair while wearing a proud smile. Of course, this is her son—top student every year, straight As, ace of the basketball club. As if all that wasn’t enough for Renjun to like him.</p><p>Yukhei nodded towards the door, “Come on.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Renjun tightens his hold on Yukhei’s waist from where he was sitting on the rear rack of the bright red bike (a birthday gift, he mentioned one time) when they sped down the hill, gravity working a lot like love -</p><p><em> fall</em>.</p><p>It’s in that moment, Renjun could only hear the whistles of the wind bristling past his ears and the starsong of Yukhei’s squeaky laughter.</p><p>It’s in that moment, when he thought back to the quote he found on Tumblr, something about humans having stardust in his veins. And he gets it, really, especially when Yukhei had held his hand to help him get down when they stopped in front of his house—the touch against his skin scorching, a frost burn instead of wildfire. There, under the shine of the moon goddess Selene herself, he gets it: there’s a chance it’s true, and maybe that’s why Yukhei smells like all the chances of the universe, and why he says <em> See you later </em> instead of <em> Goodbye</em>.</p><p>“You don’t really have to bike me all the way down here, you know,” Renjun says for the first time after they left Jaemin’s house. One second. Two. Then, “Thank you, though.”</p><p>“No, you’re absolutely right,” Yukhei smiles, “But I wanted to make sure you’re safe.”</p><p>
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</p><p>It’s in that moment, Renjun knew he would remember.</p><p>(Oh, to this day, he remembers.)</p><p>Yukhei had the supernova perfectly mapped into the palms of his hand and when they had touched every so briefly, it leaves a phantom limb kind of feeling in Renjun’s heart.</p><p>(Oh, to this day.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>4.</p><p>Then, there is high school.</p><p>Naturally, he enrols in the same academy as Yukhei—same neighbourhood and all. Renjun isn’t in the same homeroom as Jaemin, but their <em> duo </em> becomes a <em> trio </em> when Donghyuck barrels into their lives. Some things change (his clothes don’t fit anymore), others don’t (he never really grew out his Percy Jackson phase). Jaemin becomes a part of the track team despite his utter shit of an immune system and Renjun joins the tennis club with Donghyuck. There are new things to learn because life goes on as life is wont to do and Algebra is ten times more difficult but it’s okay because Yukhei helps them with their homework and he’s <em> such a good upperclassman </em> until -</p><p>Renjun is in halfway through his sophomore year when Yukhei brings a boy home for Christmas.</p><p>Jungwoo Kim is irritatingly perfect—plump pink lips and golden brown hair and perfect, charming smile. He’s nice and willingly helps Renjun with History so Renjun can’t possibly hate him. Yukhei probably fell for Jungwoo because he looks like the Sun and it makes fucking sense because they’re both stars and Renjun’s only role in Yukhei’s life is the childhood best friend of his younger brother—some kid he met at his mother’s wedding: eyes too big and stubby fingers reaching for muffins across the table.</p><p>During dinner, Jungwoo had turn to Renjun, winked and asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?” to which Jaemin had laughed—something of the lines: <em> he doesn’t even have a crush! I would know! </em>while Auntie Na goes on and on about how first loves are always going to be the hardest to forget. Renjun had silently agreed, stuffing his face with more spring rolls, not wanting anything but the conversation to switch to a different path.</p><p>
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</p><p>Sometime later, in the living room, Yukhei and Jungwoo had claimed the loveseat across the living room, and Renjun felt like there was an enormous amount of infinite space between them and him. He tried not stare at them and begged his heart (again and again) not to languish when he catches a glimpse of them leaning towards each other, all whispery and giggly. The whole world for them to conquer themselves.</p><p>Renjun told himself he has no right to feel jealous. It was only a dumb crush from when he was little. He’s in high school, he’s a big boy now. Besides -</p><p>He knew more than everyone else, that Yukhei’s unattainability had sky-rocketed a long time ago, and made itself a home on B-612 with no spare bedroom for Renjun. He <em> knew </em>more than everyone else, that he is hopelessly stuck on Earth.</p><p>
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</p><p>(“Hey, kiddo? As Jaem’s big bro, I hope you find a way to remember the good moments like these—they’re very important,” Yukhei had said when he finds Renjun in the kitchen, “Take it from me, who’s about to leave <em> everything</em>.” Desperately scrambling for words, something to sound cool, something to give Yukhei assurance of some sort—the way Yukhei had always done for him, Renjun finds nothing.</p><p>Jungwoo comes along and Renjun watches him whisk Yukhei away.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>5.</p><p>Renjun sees Yukhei on the night before he graduates from high school.</p><p>He hasn’t properly seen him all year long because senior year is always the severest. In school, there’s only ever a <em> hello</em>, and if Renjun’s lucky, they’d meet eyes in the hallway or at the bleachers, a brief smile is exchanged and that’s it. He gets it; Yukhei is at his turning point in life, they all call it that—to put on dramatic emphasis, mostly—but there’s no such thing as <em> there’s only two ways to go from here: up or down </em> despite what the principal had drilled into their heads during one of the many talks, because life’s messy and there’s way too many goddamn detours along the way.</p><p>So:</p><p>When he sees Yukhei standing in aisle nine of Johnny’s Mart at 8:36 PM, all black clothes and tired eyes staring at the boxes of cereal—the image a far cry from happy-go-lucky fifteen-year-old Yukhei who had once sat shirtless; clad only in his boxers, a red ukulele in his hands in the living room—he takes a detour. Renjun had walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder, pointing at the ceiling and gesturing him to listen. He then says, “<em>All of the Stars</em>. Ed Sheeran,” and when Yukhei doesn’t say anything, he asks, “Wanna get out of here?”</p><p>It’s not a question, not really.</p><p>They pick up two cans of diet coke and a bottle of vodka, and when they leave, Renjun sends a text to Kun that he’ll be home late.</p><p>
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</p><p>After Renjun had to witness Yukhei <span class="ILfuVd"><span class="e24Kjd">brazenly</span></span> pour vodka into his can of diet coke, spilling messily on the sidewalk without asking any questions, they sit on the castle swing-set of the playground next to Johnny’s Mart. Yukhei drinks the diet coke in one go like he’s swilling a dry throat before putting them aside to throw it away later, moving to roll on the heels of his feet on the patchy green ground, swaying slightly. The old creakings of the rusty metal chains filling in for the silence. </p><p>Renjun stares and stares and <em> stares</em>, and doesn’t say anything—which is stupid, he thinks, because isn’t he the one that invited him? When he looks up at the night sky, there isn’t a single star out and maybe it’s because heaven is closed for tonight. He’s about to say just that, maybe less sad and more observatory, when Yukhei stops swaying—halting in his movements altogether.</p><p>“I’m overthinking,” is what he says, all in one go, like he’s been holding it in and he’s been drowning and there’s not enough oxygen in the atmosphere. “I’m kind of worried. Something about starting a big chapter in life—I know, a lot of people have gone through this because it’s life yadda yadda yadda... but it doesn’t make things less scary.”</p><p>“Oh,” Renjun manages to let out. He rocks back and forth a little, “I think I know what you mean. I’m about to enter my last year of high school and it’s scary to think about. Sometimes.” Then, he sort of regrets saying anything, because can he even compare his situation to Yukhei’s? What if Yukhei thinks he’s got a snobby big head -</p><p>“Good luck with that,” Yukhei laughs instead, “I’m a text away if you need help. Or answer sheets.” He looks down at the old black converse Jaemin had gifted him last year, “I’m just—so scared. There’s something about... <em> growing up </em> that’s scary. It’s like… I’m never getting these years back and I can’t do anything about it. My friends are all going different places. Things change. Why the hell is time going too fast? I don’t know. Am I just stupid for worrying about things like this?”</p><p>Renjun straightaway shakes his head. He thinks for a moment before he stretches an arm out to hand him his drink, “Here—diet coke was never my thing. I think you need it more right now than I do,” and when Yukhei accepts it, he goes back to swaying, “You know… You’ll still come back home—if you’re worried about these years never coming back to you. I mean, you’ll still kiss your mothers on their cheeks, won’t you? And eat your favourite home-made food. Things change—people change, of course, sometimes it’s not a bad thing. So! Don’t worry—it’s not stupid to worry... I do it, too.” Then adding quickly, scolding himself when he feels himself blush, “We all do.”</p><p>Yukhei hums. “You wanna know what else I’m thinking of?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“How 6 AM winters are going to feel incredibly different in California.”</p><p>Renjun laughs, hands gripping tightly onto the chains and he knows he’ll regret it later because the metal smells ugly on skin but it’s all he can do to not blurt out anything stupid -</p><p>(Remember me, okay? I’ll miss you a lot. I didn’t tell you this before but I’m sort of in love with you and the fact you’re moving to the other side of the world hurts me. Say, I know you broke up with Jungwoo-hyung, but are you still in love with him?)</p><p>So he goes for: “Push me.”</p><p>(I feel like I’m a universe away from you. A different orbit. Don’t you think so?)</p><p>“Brat,” Yukhei scoffs jokingly. Something in Renjun’s spine tingles and it’s not because of the cold of the night. He feels a contrasting heat in the apples of his cheeks when Yukhei stands up and pinches one side of his face. He wonders if Yukhei can feel his heart beats under the roughness of his fingertips. Maybe he does.</p><p>The stars are hiding and heaven is closed and Renjun had stopped trying to cover his heart with the sleeves of an old gray hoodie Yukhei had lent him two years ago —</p><p>He starts kicking his legs up while Yukhei pushes him higher and higher, and <em> yet</em>—he’s still grounded on Earth, ireful roots tightly wrapping around his legs, and he’ll never reach the space where Hera would form a galaxy to look like a future where he and Yukhei could exist in a way that he wanted all these years.</p><p>(Do you think it’s too late?)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>6.</p><p>There’s a new photo on Yukhei’s Instagram feed just 16 hours ago. Renjun hasn’t seen it—he reasons it was because he was doing research for a paper but he’s admitted enough to say that he didn’t want to feel too desperate to quickly tap on the notifications the first few seconds (what <em> rights </em>does he have?) it was posted.</p><p>A little bit of dignity. Lots of perseverance. Those are all it takes.</p><p>(Sometimes, Yukhei goes live and the only time Renjun had watched one of them is by accident, and it went something like this: Yukhei is shirtless under his blanket and his roommate, speaking in English, goes on and on about watermelons in the background. Gulping, Renjun had immediately exited the chatroom and hoped Yukhei didn’t see his username. He goes back to his Chemistry textbook and never clicked on the app for the whole night afterwards.)</p><p>In the photo, Yukhei looks devilishly handsome, skin golden under the California sun and bright eyes matching his bright future. It’s been a year, Renjun tells himself, then double-taps his screen—a heart appearing into his smile.</p><p>“Oh, hey, it’s Lucas!” Jaemin says, appearing from behind and wrapping an arm around him as they walk down to the cafetera, looking over to Renjun’s phone. “You excited for university, too?”</p><p>Renjun locks his screen, “Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>7.</p><p>They replaced the swing set next to Johnny’s Mart. It’s not the castle one, anymore. The bars are yellow and the seats are bright red. Renjun hasn’t sat there in so long.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>And then the year is 2020, a year after Yukhei had left their quiet neighbourhood all teary-eyed, and Renjun finds himself getting ready to pick him up from the airport with the Na-Wong family at 10:24 PM (Jaemin was incredibly adamant on bringing him along).</p><p>Renjun tries to tell himself that it’s not a big deal—it’s just like that one time when he was thirteen and he’d been watching Origami videos with Jaemin at his house, and then two minutes later, he was in the backseat Auntie Wong’s black Corolla and picking Yukhei up from the Mall. Renjun had worn his ugliest headband that day (bright purple with white polka dots) and still had his thick-framed glasses but Yukhei smiles at him, greets him hello—Renjun’s heartbeat feeling like a thrashing bird with clipped wings. It’s just like that.</p><p>“I’m heading out,” he calls out to his family: his mother is cutting an apple into slices at the kitchen island, and his brothers Kun and Chenle are in the living room, <em> Anne with an E </em>playing on the television. Renjun is almost tempted to text Jaemin that he can’t come just to stay home and watch.</p><p>While his mother yells out <em> Be safe!</em>, Kun is nosy and so he slings an arm over the headrest of the sofa and turns his head around to face him, one of his eyebrows lifted, “Where are you going?”</p><p>“Airport—Jaemin’s brother is coming back home. Auntie Na and Auntie Wong wants me there for some reason.”</p><p>“For some reason,” Chenle repeats, not even bothered to turn his head but Renjun can almost hear the smirk leaking off his words—that, and the devil-snicker following after, “Say hi to Yukhei for me. Tell him his favourite underclassman misses him.”</p><p>“Ah,” Kun clicks his tongue, nodding, “The tall, handsome one, is it? Your crush—”</p><p>“You sound like Chenle,” Renjun interrupts, grateful said boy didn’t turn around to tease him about how his ears are probably red. They’re not.</p><p>
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</p><p>The reunion goes like this:</p><p>Auntie Na and Auntie Wong are holding up balloons, peach and white, the transparent ones filled with small heart-shaped baby blue hearts, and Jaemin has a sign that says <em> WELCOME BACK, STARBOY ♡ </em> (at Renjun’s suggestion).</p><p>Then he sees Lucas exiting the arrival hall, bundled in an over-sized green Thrasher hoodie, dragging a suitcase in one hand, a passport in the other. He has the biggest smile when he finally spotted them, and Renjun feels like he’s just been engulfed by a meteor shower. He’s seven again and he remembers that this boy is in front of him was the reason why he named his goldfish <em> Stella</em>.</p><p>The Coma Berenices in his eyes consume every part of Renjun: his existence, his everything, no survivors, his heart taking the plunge -</p><p>Yukhei hugs his mothers first, a long-overdue kiss pressed into their cheeks, and then ruffling Jaemin’s hair when he hurls towards him, arms wrapping around Yukhei’s shoulders and there’s the sweet sound of laughter. When he finally, <em> finally </em>goes to greet Renjun, there’s a doting sigh, breathing out the universe with each exhale, and says, “It’s nice to see you again.”</p><p>It feels good to hear his voice again. So, so good — “Yeah,” Renjun stutters because he doesn’t know what else to do. What are you supposed to do when you’re in love with a shooting star? (You greet them before making a wish.) “Welcome back.”</p><p>Yukhei pinches his cheeks, “You dyed your hair. It looks good on you.” Renjun fiddles with the yellow hair clips in his silver hair and wills his heart to calm down. He has learned Yukhei’s hands are tangled in moonlight and he should have left burn marks where his fingertips linger on the earth of Renjun’s skin but he doesn’t. He is soft and gentle like he’s always been. When he smiles, it reminds Renjun of unattainability. It’s not a nice feeling.</p><p> </p><p>(I wish it’s different with you this time.)</p><p> </p><p>When he gets home, Renjun flops onto Kun in his bed, apologizing for interrupting his book-reading time. Kun lets him stay.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Renjun and Chenle are sitting at the bus stop, wondering if Jaemin had stayed up all night binge-watching <em> CoryxKenshin</em>’s videos on Youtube again and waking up late as the aftermath, when his phone vibrates in his pocket, signalling a message. He receives the answer to his unsaid question -</p><p><b>jaemjaem </b> • <em> 7:13 AM </em> <b><br/></b> not going to sch! sick!<br/>take notes for me in bio ヾ(・ω・*)</p><p>Renjun sighs.</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 7:14 AM </em> <b><br/></b> no<br/>perish</p><p><b>jaemjaem </b> • <em> 7:14 AM </em> <b><br/></b> (＃￣0￣) mean<br/>oh btw yukhei is picking u up later<br/>since chenle’s practice ends at 5</p><p>He feels his heart jump up to his throat, typing hastily.</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 7:14 AM </em> <b><br/></b> w<br/>why?</p><p><b>jaemjaem </b> • <em> 7:15 AM </em><br/>he said he wanted to hang out with u ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧<br/>get me those cookies i like!</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 7:16 AM </em> <b><br/></b> uh ok... <b><br/></b>feel better soon</p><p><em> Sent </em> becomes <em> Read </em>and Renjun buries his face into his palms to muffle his yell.</p><p>
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</p><p>After school hours find him carrying a basket of tennis balls, ready to climb up the stairs to their clubroom when Donghyuck’s cousin Jisung slides the door to the soccer club open. “Oh! Renjun-hyung!” he says when he spots Renjun and the latter stops in his tracks to wave at him. Jisung slides the door shut and jogs up to him, “You done with practice?”</p><p>Renjun lifts up the basket, “All good. How about you? I heard the freshmen are scared of the captain.”</p><p>Jisung laughs, scratching his cheek. “Yeah, well—Jeno-hyung can be scary when he’s angry.”</p><p>“Well, well, <em> well</em>,” is how Chenle greets them, leaning against the ledge above. Renjun is ready to threaten him with snitching on him to Kun that he’s the one who broke one of the plates at home just so he could move away because he looks like he’s two centimetres from falling off; hopefully into Jisung’s arms. But then, he adds, “If it isn’t the King of <em> Tardiness</em>. Donghyuck is looking for you—says you need to lock up the clubroom quick!”</p><p>“<em>Psst</em>!”</p><p>All three heads turn to the wired gates dividing the school’s sports clubrooms and the big mango tree every student knows about (Jaemin sometimes sneak over to grab a few and share with them during lunch). Yukhei stands on the other side, beckoning Renjun to come over, the other hand clutching at the chain link fence. Renjun breathes out, “What the fuck.”</p><p>“Is that—” Chenle starts, whistling, “Whoa, he’s hot now.”</p><p>Renjun thrusts the basket of tennis balls into Jisung’s chest. “Get this upstairs.”</p><p>“Aw,” Jisung whines, “Wait—I’m not even in the tennis club.”</p><p>“I’ll be back,” Renjun says, hurriedly walking over to the fence. He pushes his glasses back up with a finger. “What are you doing?” he asks, once face-to-face.</p><p>Smiling, Yukhei answers, “Picking you up?”</p><p>“I was expecting to be picked up at the drop-off zone.”</p><p>Yukhei giggles, shrugging and Renjun—well, he doesn’t really know what to <em> do</em>. “Wanted to see the school. Especially the clubrooms. Who’s captain of the basketball club right now?”</p><p>“Absolutely have no idea,” Renjun says, trying his best not to stare at the pink of Yukhei’s lips. “You know most students when they leave high school, they’d never want to look back.”</p><p>“I miss it a little too much, I guess,” he lets go of the chains. The way he had said it and the way he looked at Renjun <em> as </em>he says it makes him wonder exactly what he’s thinking about. Must be the nostalgia. Jaemin says it like that too and he’s still in high school. Yukhei pockets his hands, “Anyways, do—uh—you wanna go to Starbucks or something after this? My treat.”</p><p>“You… you really don’t have to,” Renjun says, eyes straining to maintain eye contact. “Usually I stay here until Chenle finishes club activities…”</p><p>“I want to. Plus, I haven’t seen you in like, a year.” <em>A year</em>, Renjun echoes in his mind. <em>Felt longer</em>. “It’s a date.” Then Yukhei adds, “I’m taking you out on a date,” he reaffirms, as if it’s a complex matter—and it sort of <em>is </em>because Renjun could only muster the energy to say —</p><p>“A what.”</p><p>“A date? I can take you back here later and send the both of you home.”</p><p>“Uh—”</p><p>Suddenly, Donghyuck is behind him, slamming a hand against the fence, the force making the chains rattle, and surprising them both. “You taking my best friend out on an after-school date, huh? Punk.”</p><p>“<em>Donghyuck</em>,” Renjun hisses then groans when he sees Donghyuck puts on The Face: narrowed eyes, a scrunched nose, lips jutted out—all completed with the crossing of arms. Renjun pats his belly and starts to drag him away (Jisung calls this technique: <em>Taming the Wild Haechan</em>) but he’s unmoving, “This is Yukhei—Jaemin’s brother.”</p><p>Donghyuck ignores him, eyes never leaving Yukhei, “You’re a college student, right? How old are you?” he asks and Renjull rolls his eyes.</p><p>Before Renjun could tell Yukhei not to indulge in Donghyuck’s antics, Yukhei puffs out his chest, not wanting to back down from the challenge. What is this? An interrogation? “I’m nineteen,” Yukhei answers, his lips shaped into a teasing smile.</p><p>Donghyuck hums, eyes looking up and down. When he’s done, he turns to face Renjun, his hands planted on both of his shoulders, before announcing, “Okay, I approve of him! He has my blessing,” and then he’s pushing an embarrassed Renjun towards the clubroom. “Be back in a minute. Wait—what’s your name again?”</p><p>
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</p><p>(Donghyuck leans against the black metal shelf, watching Renjun place the basket of tennis balls first before discarding his shirt. “Stop looking at me,” he huffs out, hands moving to grab his uniform hanging on the wall, throwing the hanger somewhere on the only couch in the clubroom. “What do you <em> want</em>, Hyuck? If you want an explanation, I don’t have any. He’s here to pick me up.”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t need an explanation, alright. He asked you out on a <em> date</em>.”</p><p>“Platonically.”</p><p>Donghyuck blinks as Renjun fixes his collar in the mirror. “Are you serious?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, “like not-in-a-romantic sense. Like family. Like—if he googles a photo of Jaemin’s best friend, my picture would pop up. It’s been <em> like </em> that for a whole <em> decade</em>, might I add.”</p><p>Donghyuck whistles, “Damn. You’ve been crushing on him for 10 years?” then to the tune of TWICE’s <em> Fancy You</em>, he goes, “I pity you!” His arms wrapping around Renjun’s shoulders, and in between fighting off Donghyuck from holding him without pants and trying not to tip the shelf over, they trip over Renjun’s duffel bag and (fortunately) fall on the couch. “At least you're going out on a date, now. Better late than never, huh?”)</p><p>
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</p><p>The date goes like this:</p><p>1. The sky turns orange as it stretches above the city. At a stoplight, Renjun steals a glance at Yukhei from the passenger seat and a second later, he regrets it when he feels a breath get lodged in his throat. Yukhei bathes in the golden light and the ocean fills up Renjun’s lungs. When Yukhei turns his head to look at him, Icarus falls.</p><p>2. Reaching Starbucks, the one in front of a big fountain, Yukhei asks him what he wants and Renjun answers, “Iced green latte,” while his eyes scan for vacant tables. When he realizes Yukhei had slipped away to the counter to order <em> and </em>pay, Renjun was already too late to protest (“I told you it’s a treat from me to you.” / “Still…”).</p><p>3. While they share a tiny bowl of chicken fusilli (also Yukhei’s treat), a conversation flows: they catch up on the years, Renjun tells him he wants to major in astrophysics, Yukhei shares that he has a liking for films nowadays after his roommate Mark made him watch <em> Crimson Peak </em>, and then he adds: “Maybe we should watch movies together soon—like when we were little. You pick the movies.”</p><p>4. A dot of whip cream holds a place on Renjun’s upper lip and Yukhei flicked it off, wiping his finger instead of licking it. Renjun goes back to sucking raucously on his drink.</p><p>5. At Johnny’s Mart, Yukhei suddenly says, “I missed you,” in the middle of their bickering about which cookie brands were Jaemin’s favourite. Renjun lets him win (“Don’t blame it on me when Jaemin doesn’t like those.” / “So, do you miss me or—”)</p><p>6. They make a stop at a retro-themed CD store just two blocks from the fountain. This time, Renjun is quick to pick up a copy of <em> Howl’s Moving Castle</em>. “My treat,” he pays, and a soft smile, an even softer <em> thank you </em> makes its way. Renjun thinks Yukhei looks incredibly handsome like this: brown hair swept back, pink cheeks tinted with sheepishness—something that stayed with him from his young days—standing under the orange hue of the <em> MOVIES </em>sign, CDs and album covers plastered on the wall. The cashier tells them they look cute together.</p><p>7. Yukhei kisses Renjun’s dimple outside his front door. Kun pesters him with questions when he enters the house.</p><p>
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</p><p><b>kissmaster9000 </b> • <em> 8:43 PM </em><br/>how was the dateeeeeee</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 8:44 PM </em><br/>where do i even START</p><p><b>kissmaster9000 </b> • <em> 8:44 PM </em><br/>wow it already sounds romantic :’(</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 8:45 PM </em><br/>the thing is<br/>he kissed me??? ON THE CHEEKS<br/>kun hasn’t shut up abt it</p><p><b>kissmaster9000 </b> • <em> 8:46 PM </em><br/>“platonically”<br/>my love, ur a dumbass</p><p>Renjun doesn’t reply, sliding into one chair of the dining table. When he clicks on the Instagram app, alarmingly, he finds a photo of himself on Yukhei’s profile. It’s a photo of him, sideways, eyes scanning over the many tubs of ice cream (he was choosing which one to bring home for Chenle) after they had picked up Jaemin’s cookies. Renjun didn’t even notice Yukhei’s phone was being pointed towards him.</p><p>The caption says, <em> a decade with u 🤝</em>. He screenshots it and sends it to Donghyuck.</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 8:52 PM </em><br/>here lies renjun</p><p><b>kissmaster9000 </b> • <em> 8:53 PM </em><br/>HELLO?</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 8:54 PM </em><br/>goodnight</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>What Renjun didn’t expect when he’s walking to his next class after helping Mr Nakamoto carry the stack of marked exam sheets to the staffroom is this: being ambushed by Jaewoon, his seatmate in History and teammate in the tennis club. “Hi, Renjun.”</p><p>“Jaewoon,” he smiles, “Did you understand anything from today’s lesson in History? My notes are only <em> half </em>readable.”</p><p>“Nah,” Jaewoon laughs, “Mr Lee lost me the moment he said ‘Good morning’. Hey—um—this might be su<em>uuuper </em>random but can I ask you a question?”</p><p>“Sure?”</p><p>“Are you dating Jaemin’s brother?”</p><p>“What,” Renjun stops walking. Jaewoon follows suit. “No… Wait, what?”</p><p>“<em>Really</em>? Because I saw you with him by the clubrooms—” (Renjun gnaws at his tongue to avoid letting out a scream. The staffroom is pretty close, and he’s not about to tell the entirety of the Mathematics department of the exact reason why he accidentally disrupted classes), “I saw you going home with him that day and then I asked Jaemin but he said to ask <em> you </em> so um…”</p><p>“Why,” Renjun takes a deep breath and shakes his head, “Why would he ask you to ask <em> me</em>?” Did Jaemin finally see a glimpse of his heart on his sleeve? Oh, no. This isn’t really how he pictured it. The scenario he envisioned was that as the years ago by, he’ll fall out of this crush and then, on his wedding day (not with Yukhei), he’ll casually mention in it a nostalgic-painted conversation. Donghyuck will make a joke about it. They’ll laugh. That’s it.</p><p>Not whatever this is.</p><p>“I don’t know?” Jaewoon blinks, “That’s okay—I don’t want this to be complicated. There’s probably something going on and I don’t want to—”</p><p>“There’s <em> nothing</em>, Jaewoon,” Renjun says, sharp and unmoving. Almost believable to himself. There’s a funny feeling in his guts but he stubbornly pushes it to the back of his mind. “Besides, it was only a stupid kid crush. Nothing more.”</p><p>
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</p><p>No matter how much Renjun wants to stay <em> away </em> from Yukhei—just for the time being—he finds himself standing in the Na-Wong kitchen, because 1) he carelessly misplaced his key, 2) his mother and Kun won’t be home until 11 and 3) Chenle is at Jisung’s house for a sleepover. So, that leaves him with no spare keys. Which means he has to stay at Jaemin’s house. Which means, consequently, it’s Yukhei’s house. Which means -</p><p>“Why do you look like that?” Yukhei asks, lightly grabbing the curve of his hips as he makes his way to the refrigerator, and then poking at his cheeks. The touches wake Renjun up. “Something happened at school? Are you being bullied?”</p><p>“No,” Renjun shakes his head, inserting a K-Cup into Auntie Na’s Keurig before twisting his body around to lean against the countertop, watching Yukhei busy himself with ravaging whatever is in the fridge. They hear Jaemin yelling <em> Goal! </em> from where he’s watching a replay of a soccer game in the living room. Renjun fiddles with the hem of his school blouse—Jaemin doesn't seem to know. Yet. “Oh, yeah, by the way.” Might as well get it out of his system, right? “My friend asked me for permission if he could—get <em> this </em>—ask you out.”</p><p>Yukhei closes the fridge after grabbing a slice of leftover pizza. “Oh, why is that?”</p><p>Renjun shrugs, pretending to be unbothered, “He thought I had a crush on you, I think.”</p><p>Mid-way from where he’s placing the pizza in the microwave, Yukhei stops, whipping his head around to face Renjun. “You had a crush on me?”</p><p>Renjun blinks. He shouldn’t lie. So, he goes for: “When we were little. Yeah.” Then he frowns, “Don’t look at me like that.”</p><p>“That’s cute.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>When Renjun goes to take the mug after the coffee had finished brewing, he finds himself freezing in place when Yukhei leans against his back, a chin placed on his shoulder. “You know,” Yukhei whispers and Renjun can feel his heart matching the pace of a hummingbird’s heartbeat, the speed of which a falling star would—well, <em> fall</em>, “If anyone had a crush, between us, it’d be me.”</p><p>
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</p><p>His Astrology app says -</p><p>
  <em> Your day at a glance: How is your heart feeling? </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>In the middle of May, this happens:</p><p>It’s the first day of Sports Week and after what feels like death itself, their tennis club wins a match against a neighbouring high school. Donghyuck had run off to where Jisung is sitting with the Na-Wong family in the bleachers while Jaemin mentions he has to prepare for track. In an attempt to go in one way, Renjun goes off to get a drink from the vending machine next to the clubroom so he could straight away pick up his and Donghyuck’s duffel bags afterwards.</p><p>Sounds simple, right? No.</p><p>Right before he could get to it -</p><p>He hears Yukhei talking to Jaewoon next to the vending machine. <em> Is Jaewoon—?! </em> Naturally, Renjun anxiously reels back and hides himself away from their viewpoint, slapping a hand over his mouth, crouching as he swallows in the surprised whimper. There’s a picture of the whole cast of <em> The Amazing World of Gumball </em>staring at him from the side of the vending machine. He focuses on that instead because he wouldn’t want to accidentally eavesdrop. No matter how much he wants to hear.</p><p>Jaewoon is really going through this, huh? Is Operation: Confession going good? Should Renjun practice on how he’ll react when Jaewoon tells him the good news tomorrow? He can hear himself ask: <em> Donghyuck, should I surrender to the stubborn Aries stereotype and act petty? </em>Without him knowing, in his agony, it accidentally comes out as a whisper: “Wait, what rights do I have?”</p><p>So when he hears, “Renjun?” and sees Yukhei’s head popping into his vision, he jumps back, hitting his head against the wall of the clubroom building. Rubbing the back of his head, he whines, “Ou<em>uuuch </em>.”</p><p>Yukhei lifts up an eyebrow, helping him get up, “What are you doing?” There’s two seconds of silence before he smiles, and Renjun watches the sun swallow him whole, “Oh<em>hhh</em>, kiddo. Were you listening?”</p><p>“No…”</p><p>“<em>No</em>…” Yukhei mimics, adding an extra whine out of spite, laughing at the way Renjun had furrowed his eyebrows. Yukhei's hands go up to smoothen the lines on Renjun's forehead. “You’re going to get early wrinkles. Were you jealous?”</p><p>Renjun knows not to let his eyes follow the curve of Lucas’ lips when he smiles but they do anyways. He tries not to let his mind linger on the touch of his skin against his when Yukhei hands him a nice cold vitamin drink, rough fingers being delicate. And <em> God</em>, Artemis knows how much he’s trying his best not to delude himself into thinking of the impossibility that maybe they could be something.</p><p>(Do you feel the heartbeat in his fingertips?)</p><p>Renjun huffs, crossing his arms, eyes not wanting to meet Yukhei’s, “I wasn’t listening to the confession, <em> okay</em>.” Then he adds, albeit doleful because it feels like a lousy climax to his already hopeless love story, “Congrats on the new boyfriend.”</p><p>“Who said anything about boyfriend?”</p><p>“I mean—Jaewoon… didn’t he….” Renjun watches Yukhei smirks, groaning as he makes his way up the stairs to the upper floor. “You’re making me look bad here. You—! You’re a villain!”</p><p>(You do.)</p><p>“If you didn’t hear what happened—”</p><p>“Well, I didn’t!”</p><p>“—I told him he wasn’t exactly my type.”</p><p>Renjun spun around to look at him incredulously. “You <em> rejected </em>him?”</p><p>“Now, you’re making <em> me </em>look bad,” Yukhei laughs, stopping right a step below from where Renjun is standing on the stairs. He’s still taller, much older but the glow in his eyes is still there. Renjun remembers what falling in love feels like—as if he needed another reminder, as if his feelings had ceased. “But, hey. I’m all yours now.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Renjun grumbles, turning around, “help me get Donghyuck’s duffel bag.”</p><p>“Aye-aye, captain.”</p><p>(Because though he is a star, he is <em> tangible</em>.)</p><p>
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</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 6:13 PM </em><br/>so...<br/>what IS ur type</p><p><b>starboy ☆ </b> • <em> 6:15 PM </em><br/>Why do u wanna know ;)</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 6:21 PM </em><br/>forget i asked</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Renjun wonders what it would feel like to kiss Yukhei on the lips—out loud. It’s neither an <em> Oh </em>fanfic-esque moment when Kageyama finally realizes he likes Hinata as more than a teammate nor was it an unspoken, written-in-stars moment where the planets perfectly line up in the solar system, with constellations burning into the skin of infinite spaces, creating a time that exists to allow Renjun to think so.</p><p>Instead, it’s this: Jaemin is at the counter, ordering his second slice of cake. Renjun finishes the last bit of his strawberry cake, before looking up at Donghyuck sitting across him in this 80s-themed diner right on the last day of Sports Week (they went to cheer on Jisung and subsequently befriended the captain, Jeno, after four whole years in high school), and announcing—just loud enough for Donghyuck: “I want to know what it’s like to kiss Yukhei.”</p><p>“Oh? Scandalous,” Donghyuck wiggles his eyebrows before putting his hand on his chin. “Say, how come you’ve never mentioned this crush—should I even call it a crush?—to Jaemin? I’m sure he’d love to help you, and the two of you would be together by now.”</p><p>“Sure,” Renjun says, glacing to where Jaemin is, chit-chatting to the nice lady behind the counter, bubblegum smile and all, pink hair matching the red hearts on the wall, “Maybe in another universe where Neptune is habitable and Earth has three moons. If they’re still siblings in that universe? Another strong <em> Maybe</em>.”</p><p>“Pish-posh,” Donghyuck points a forked kiwi fruit at him, “You think so negatively.”</p><p>“I’m just saying—if anything bad happened to our, let’s say <em>hypothetical</em>, relationship, it’d affect Jaemin, Auntie Na and Auntie Wong altogether. I don’t want to risk that.”</p><p>“Well,” Donghyuck smiles, softer this time, “there’s no risk in asking Yukhei what his favourite lip balm is.”</p><p>Renjun pulls out his phone from the side pocket of his bag.</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 4:13 PM </em><br/>random question time with renjun episode #9<br/>what’s ur fav lip balm?</p><p><b>starboy ☆ </b> • <em> 4:13 PM </em><br/>Ooh boy my favourite show<br/>You’re gna laugh<br/>You know those coca cola ones from lip smackers</p><p><b>moomin </b> • <em> 4:14 PM </em><br/>why am i not surprised?<br/>it’s so you</p><p>Renjun shows Donghyuck his chat, watching him snort. “Of course. See, that wasn’t so hard.” He finishes the last one of their mini pavlovas. “So now you know what your taste of forever is, and guess what? You’re in a universe where our Earth has only one moon.”</p><p>“Sure, Hyuckie.”</p><p>Jaemin comes back with a slice of caramel mocha cake. Renjun dives into a different topic.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>May ends quietly.</p><p>Raindrops sluggishly slide down on the glass Renjun’s window. He texts Yukhei, <em>maybe i should buy new glow in the dark stickers, they’re starting to fall off</em>. A minute later, Yukhei sends back, <em>Bring me with u</em> <em>when u do</em>.</p><p>Huh.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>In Biology class, Renjun’s phone hidden under his lab bench had lit up with the daily notification from his Astrology app. It said -</p><p><em> Your day at a glance: Answer their questions</em>.</p><p>He scrunches his nose in confusion but before he could further think about what it meant, Jaemin nudges his black Clarks against his, reminding him to pay attention (“You won’t like this unit,” Jaemin had said two days ago in the cafeteria). Twirling his pen, he thinks: maybe this was it—<em>this </em> was the responsibility. So, everytime Mrs. Song asks a question, he’d raise a hand to answer.</p><p>It’s later when he gets it.</p><p>
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</p><p>He sits in the middle of Jaemin’s living room, photo albums everywhere because Jaemin had said he had felt nostalgic all of a sudden and wanted to, Renjun quotes him, ‘take a trip down memory lane’, but Renjun knows he’s feeling a tad bit emotional since Miss Park had gone on and on about how graduation isn’t far now right before starting class.</p><p>Renjun flips to the next page of the photo album. When he sees a photo of him and Jaemin in front of an ice cream truck, he thinks he could reach out far enough to be able to hold graduation in his grasp. Maybe Miss Park was right.</p><p>They hear a bedroom door open from upstairs and not a minute later, Yukhei comes down the stairs. Renjun fails at trying not to put focus on how good he looks: his old midnight blue jacket he wears like a medal and grey sweatpants. Before he could filter what he wants to say, he blurts out, “You look good.” Jaemin snorts, standing up and leaving to the kitchen.</p><p>Yukhei looked cheery, letting out a breathy laugh (in Renjun’s dream, he eats it up in the solace of his bedroom; a kiss here and there, a hand possessively gripping his hips to steady him, and the like). “Thank you. Are—are those old pics?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Renjun hands him a photo of Jaemin next to his mothers. “Look at this one.”</p><p>Holding it in his hands, Yukhei squints his eyes and then a smile blossoms on his face, a flower of laughter sprouting after. “This was from Mama’s wedding! Ah, I remember getting a stomach ache the next day.”</p><p>Renjun snorts. “The muffins were too good, though. I don’t blame you for eating wa<em>aaay </em> too much.”</p><p>“Hey,” Yukhei suddenly calls out, almost a whisper. He crouches next to him, placing a hand on his lap—the touch burning with Astraea’s name: star-maiden, innocence, the act of abandoning humans on Earth to live in the ever infinite night sky. “Wanna get out of here?”</p><p>It’s not a question, never one.</p><p>Still -</p><p>Renjun answers by lacing his fingers with Yukhei’s.</p><p>
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</p><p>The night passes like a movie. That’s how it always goes, right? Yukhei is the right guy and Renjun would be the best friend he’d fall in love with. More or less—a happy ending somewhere, but Renjun’s not trying to win an Oscar. He’s hopeful enough just for tonight.</p><p>So:</p><p>1. They run down the hill, the joke <em> Let’s get out of here before Jaemin could yell at us </em> thrown into the air when they stepped out of the front door as their starting line, their giggles coloured with juvenility intensifying their steps, and the bus stop at the bottom of the hill is their finish line. Renjun trips and although Yukhei catches him, they still both fall into each other’s arms. Renjun wants to kiss the hell out of him, wants to taste the moondust on his lips. Yukhei pulls away first.</p><p>2. Yukhei suggest they ride the bus to a cafe called Daelim Changgo Gallery CO:LUMN before they close at 11. They’re the only passengers, and Renjun almost believes this could be <em> it </em> until Yukhei mentions the cafe reminds him of Brooklyn back in October during a semester break—the reason for going is homesickness. Renjun asks why didn’t he just come back home and Yukhei answers, voice wet, “My GPA was dropping—I didn’t want my family to see that. Would <em> you </em>like to see that?” (Renjun wants to ask what he means by that—is Renjun family? In what way?)</p><p>3. Outside a gas station, bright pink neon lights everywhere and muffled TV static coming out from the window of the manager’s office inside, Renjun sits on the sidewalk curb. The emptiness looks dauntless in the dead of the night, reminding him of a horror game Chenle once played. Renjun looks up at the telephone lines and a second after he hears the doors slide open and <em> Enjoy your night </em> from the cashier, Yukhei sits down next to him. He hands him a thin can of Milo and says, “No diet coke.” (“I can’t believe you remembered,” Renjun says a little later after they finish up their third ramen cup, “Not to lie—but that means a lot.” / “Oh, kiddo. You’re always so emotional.”)</p><p>4. Yukhei falls asleep on his shoulder when they take the train back home. Renjun dreams with open eyes.</p><p>5. This time, Renjun pulls Yukhei by the collar to kiss him on the nose. Jaded eyes look down at him, and a vibrant smile shapes Yukhei’s lips. The two front teeth reminds Renjun of the time they had fallen off when they were seven and eight, and he is reminded of the first time they had met. Renjun brushes his fringe back, then smiles.</p><p>+ 6. It ends with a <em> Good night </em> (It’s not a goodbye).</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Renjun’s first instinct when Jaemin sends him a link to an article that’s titled <em> Guide to Having A Photoshoot at Seoul’s Abandoned Theme Park – Yongma Land </em> and a subsequent <em> we should go at dawn later for that extra spookiness effect (っ˘ڡ˘ς) </em> is to ask his mother for permission (even though he knows she’ll let him go despite being out at what Kun calls the ‘devil’s hour’) and to plan his best outfit to wear. His second instinct is to ask if Donghyuck and Jeno are coming along.</p><p>His final instinct is to ask if <em> Yukhei </em>is coming—because what Jaemin wants, Jaemin gets, so if he wants a photoshoot at daybreak, that would mean a certain big brother of his has to be a designated driver.</p><p><em> obviously</em>, Jaemin replies after dinner when Renjun had dived back into his bed, <em> if u haven’t noticed yet none of us have our driving license yet (oT-T)尸 </em> / <em> we’re the virgins who can’t drive duo </em> / <em> wait that reminds me we should rewatch clueless again </em> / <em> when’s the last time we watched it? when we were 10? </em></p><p>“Eleven,” Renjun breathes out, positioning himself into a fetus position, blanket pooling at his feet as he thrashes his legs around. “We were in fifth grade.” He sits up and stares at himself in the mirrored wardrobe and then, in a quieter, sigh-like voice, “Things were different back then.”</p><p>That is to say: When Renjun saw Yukhei go up on stage to receive his <em> ACE OF THE BASKETBALL CLUB </em> medal in middle school and pose for Auntie Wong’s camera (big toothy grin, eyes closed in bliss and pride) for the whole damn school, he was sitting with Jaemin and the other fifth graders and had thought, <em> Oh</em>. I do have a crush on him—but it’s only a crush. That means it won’t last long. Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.</p><p>(But here he is, still asking Artemis or Selene or Hecate, sometimes just the moon, if there is another existence out there where Yukhei is not Jaemin’s brother and Renjun doesn’t need to remind himself that he’s only ever going to be <em> kiddo</em>.)</p><p>Yukhei sends him a text a minute later, <em>W</em><em>hat theme are u going for?</em> <em>The photoshoot i mean </em></p><p><em> existential fear </em> is what Renjun sends back, pausing to put his phone in his lap and wondering if he should lament over saying that.</p><p><em> Lmao 😂 ok black swan by bts teas </em>Yukhei replies and Renjun had to bite down at his lip. When he looks at his reflection again, he gives himself a thumbs up, “Good job.”</p><p>“RENJUN,” Chenle yells from outside his door, “Help me with homework.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay, wait,” he yells back, swinging his legs off his bed and sending a <em> we were eleven </em> to Jaemin and a <em> see u later </em>to Yukhei before abandoning his phone somewhere on his bed, not wanting to deal with whatever comes next.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So:</p><p>Renjun wakes up at 2:30 AM to groggily say goodbye to his sleepy family (a kiss on the forehead for his mother and a hug for Kun who just came back from work and was microwaving tteokbokki in the kitchen) and a pat on Chenle’s head (he had only grumbled in return, face scrunched in a scowl and told Renjun to <em> shoo let me sleep i hope the ghosts of that whatever abandoned park ur going to follows u home </em>and Renjun had spared him mercy of not telling him they live in the same house) before meeting up with Jaemin and Yukhei. They pick up Donghyuck and Jeno at the bus stop and then they’re off, a song playing on the radio -</p><p><em> You’re on the other side </em> <em><br/></em> <em> As the skyline splits in two </em> <em><br/></em> <em> I’m miles away from seeing you </em> <em><br/></em> <em> I can see the stars </em> <em><br/></em> <em> From America </em> <em><br/></em> <em> I wonder, do you see them, too? </em></p><p>“Hey,” Renjun leans in, voice as low as a whisper so he wouldn’t disturb Donghyuck and Jeno half-sleeping on each of his sides, “Remember the pink flower that smelled like chocolate? What was that?”</p><p>Jaemin turns his head to curiously look at them. Yukhei hums before breathing out a small laugh, “Cosmos flower. I like its name.”</p><p>“Ah,” Renjun sits back, Donghyuck immediately snuggling against his side. “I think... they’re my favourite flowers now.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Around 5 AM, the sky had started to brighten—going from obsidian to a lead-kind-of black. “The night hasn’t quite dissolve quite yet,” is what Jeno says as they have breakfast (hotdogs from a small convenience store close by). Yukhei treats himself to a small bottle of peach soju, brushing Jaemin off when he starts nagging (“It’s like 5 AM.” / “Yeah, and like, something afternoon PM in California.” / I’m telling mo<em>ooom</em>.”).</p><p>Back at the park, Donghyuck had whisked Jaemin (in a shopping trolley they found at the entrance) and Jeno away, asking them to come help him create a weird Aesthetics Meet Aesthetics: Grunge meets Pastel meets Vaporwave photoshoot, but not before smirking at Renjun as they leave him alone in the Spinning Teacup with Yukhei.</p><p>Yukhei slides into the teacup with him. “Scoot over,” and then he’s knocking shoulders with Renjun not unkindly. Out of habit, Renjun thinks of all the synonyms to the word <em> tangible</em>, “You know. Jaemin wanted to come here because he saw Mama’s old photos.”</p><p>Renjun stretches his legs, crossing his legs over each other, “Oh?”</p><p>“Yeah, for some reason, our mothers had one of their dates here.”</p><p>Renjun giggles, “That’s cute,” then as a joke—because Yukhei is half-drunk and there’s no way he’ll remember, he adds, “You wanna recreate one of their photos? Since we’re already here.”</p><p>A hush descends on both of them, and for a moment, it’s too quiet. Renjun can’t hear Jaemin and the rest anymore. Yukhei slowly leans in and when they’re only a decade-long due of a revelation apart, Renjun realizes he had stopped breathing at the dangerous proximity. “This is where Mama confessed to her, you know?”</p><p>Is this -</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Renjun thinks he could give NASA a run for their money because here he is, no stars above in sight—human’s actions always ever so deliberate, but he’s lucky enough to be able to bask under the weight of Yukhei’s gaze—eyes filled with spiral galaxies and Milky Ways and Selene’s laughter. He thinks about all the universes that exist and do not and the one he’s living in now and the fact that there <em> is </em>hope, and how he swallows them all greedily. There may be no stars right now but he knows his lungs are glittered with them, filling him up to the grim and —</p><p>Yukhei presses his lips against his.</p><p>(Humans are not meant to hold the weight of the Sun. This, Renjun knows so well.)</p><p>Renjun whispers against Yukhei’s spit-slicked lips, looking like moonshine, “I’ve liked you for so long.”</p><p> </p><p>However -</p><p>Armageddon is shaped like this: it’s Yukhei laughing like Renjun just told him one of the greatest jokes of all, pulling away and saying, “It’s not everyday your brother’s best friend says that.”</p><p>It’s Renjun blinking away dry, angry tears, the insides of his body feeling like they’ve just been set on fire, a meteor hitting against the fragile parts. It’s plunging into space and realizing he’s not wearing a helmet, and the only way to get back to earth is by the root that’s been cut off by Yukhei himself. There’s no air he can breathe, and he’s <em> dying</em>. It’s Atlas holding up the weight of the sky and never given a chance to take another deep breath. It’s Andromeda being chained to a rock and left to devour by the monster let loose by Poseidon.</p><p>Armageddon is shaped like rejection.</p><p>“That’s all I’m ever going to be to you, huh?” Renjun’s voice cracks, but he’s tired so he leaves. There is no <em> See you later</em>. There is, however, a silent goodbye. He feels they both know that.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The ride back home is quiet.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>No one answers when Renjun steps into the house. Everyone must have slept in, so before he goes to his bedroom to change, he knocks on his mother’s bedroom door, reminding her that if she doesn’t go—he checks his wristwatch—she’ll be late. His mother promptly opens the door, all ready but when she notices his frown (<em>always</em>—he can’t escape that crazy-good mother instincts of hers), there’s a pout on her lips. She kisses him on the forehead and says, “You’ll be alright. Talk to me about it when I come back, okay? Sleep first.”</p><p>Renjun locks the front door after his mother and promptly passes out on the couch. After an hour and a half, he wakes up to a hundred Whatsapp messages from Donghyuck (<em>yo someone just followed me on instagram and he is hoooot </em> / <em> pause. </em> / <em> HE’S A UNI STUDENT</em>), Jeno (<em>i hope u got home safely! i’ll have the photos ready by next week ^.^</em>) and Yukhei (all different variations of <em> I’m so sorry please let’s talk</em>). He deletes those.</p><p>His daily Astrology app says -</p><p>“<em>Your day at a glance</em>,” he reads out loud, voice scratchy. He wonders if he’s been crying in his sleep, “<em>Burn it all down and start over</em>.” He stares at his screen until it turns black, “Shut up.”</p><p>And then Jaemin is calling.</p><p>Renjun slides his finger over <em> Answer</em>.</p><p>“Oh good,” Jaemin says first, “You’re awake. I didn’t want to disturb you while you sleep. Is it okay if I come over right now?”</p><p>“I just woke up,” Renjun shifts so his head would lay on the arm rest, one leg to rest on the coffee table. He pulls his blanket up to his waist. The question finally processes in his head and he sighs, his arm coming up to be laid across his eyes. “We’re going to talk, aren’t we?”</p><p>Jaemin hums. “Only if you’re ready. We could just lay around until noon and then have lunch at Subway.”</p><p>“Okay,” is the last thing Renjun says before Jaemin ends the call. Four minutes later, Jaemin is in his house, sitting on the couch with Renjun’s head placed in his lap. “So,” Renjun begins, eagerly scrambling for words, wanting to end whatever <em> this </em>is — “Are we going to talk about it?”</p><p>Jaemin laughs, the slightest movement causing Renjun’s to loll, and he turns his body around to lay on his left side, “You know what I said. I meant it when I won’t say anything—not unless you take initiative.” He watches Jaemin smile through the reflection in the black of the television.</p><p>“Well, here I am—<em>initiating</em>,” Renjun sighs, eyes blinking slowly, “Don’t you think it’s weird?”</p><p>“No?” Jemin answers, sounding amused, “I kind of always knew you’d fall for him. How long, by the way?”</p><p>Renjun holds up four fingers, “Since your mothers’ wedding.”</p><p>“Oh, shit,” Jaemin spits out before he looks down at Renjun, suddenly serious, “And you kept all those sorrows—Jungwoo-hyung, graduation, Yukhei leaving… all that—to yourself? I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”</p><p>“Why are you apologizing?” Renjun tries to be the composed one here but his voice is a little wet and he feels the tears prickling at the corner of both of his eyes. “It’s not your fault. If anything, I should be the one apologizing because I made you think I didn’t trust you enough to tell you.”</p><p>Jaemin shakes his head, “But I <em> understand</em>. I know you, Renjun. There were risks you will take and the lines you won’t cross. Yukhei stands somewhere between that. I just—I just wished I gave you enough signs to tell you I’m always going to be a safe space for you and your feelings.”</p><p>“...It was only a dumb crush,” Renjun stretches out a hand to pat him on the cheeks, “The next time I get a new crush, I’ll tell you in a flash.”</p><p>“More than a <em> decade</em>, Renjun,” Jaemin huffs, “This crush won’t be so easy to tackle. First love, too? You’re killing me. You’re going to pay for my funeral and I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. Buzzfeed Unsolved, but <em> I’m </em> the ghost.”</p><p>“If you’re going to be in my life for the rest of my existence then at least make sure I’m going to be happy with my next crush,” Renjun half-jokes, “Besides, it’s over now. He sees me as nothing more than family, and I shall act accordingly.”</p><p>“Family…” Jaemin trails off, words infused with tease just enough to cheer him up, “Like a husband?”</p><p>“No,” Renjun says with finality, grabbing the blanket and covering his entire body, “I’m going back to sleep. Wake me up when I’ve discarded this more-than-ten-years long emotional baggage, or if it’s lunchtime. Whichever comes first.”</p><p>Then Jaemin says, “I don’t mind having you as my brother-in-law, you know?” and it feels like sticking glow-in-the-dark stickers on his bedroom ceiling oh so long ago.</p><p>“You could have told me earlier.”</p><p>Patting his head, Jaemin laughs, “I’ll be your best man, don’t worry.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The calamity doesn’t last long, a record of one and a half weeks in fact. On a rainy Wednesday, Renjun meets Yukhei again at 7-ELEVEN. He feels the ache in his fingers—all from deleting messages and then removing those stickers and falling off the ladder by accident. Sure, he knew avoiding confrontation (that is to say Yukhei) wouldn’t last long—taking in the consideration of Renjun’s close ties with his family—but he thought, at the very least, he wouldn’t see his face for two weeks. Maybe two weeks and a day.</p><p>(And maybe<em>, just </em> maybe, he’d thought Yukhei would find <em> him</em>—break a few violations in doing so, like breaking into the school, jumping over the face to apologize to him outside the tennis club’s room as his teammates watch. It’s irrational, he knows, but the wounds are fresh and it’s slashed deep; furious anger bubbling up when he turns around the corner to the drinks aisle and sees Yukhei just standing there, choosing between a latte or mocha or milk like he just didn’t crashed an asteroid in Renjun’s backyard almost two weeks ago, the earth rumbling from under his feet.</p><p>It’s unfair. It’s incredibly unfair. It shouldn’t be Renjun coming back to him again.)</p><p>When Yukhei catches a glimpse of him from the corner of his eye, he had turned around a little too fast and Renjun can’t run now that he’s within this orbit. So, he tucks the loose strands of hair behind his ear and says with gritted teeth, “You’re blocking the way.”</p><p>“Right. Sorry.” Yukhei blinks, opening his mouth to say something, then closing it. Then, “Renjun, wait, I need to talk to you.”</p><p>Renjun grabs the nearest drink—a pastel green milk box he’s never seen before, a cartoon cow plastered on the front—and hopes Chenle would forgive him if he didn’t like it. Maybe they could order pizza for tonight’s dinner? Who knows? His main priority is to get out of here. “I have nothing to say to you.”</p><p>“I know,” Yukhei says, “But I still owe you an apology.”</p><p>Renjun inhales sharply, the angry tears coming back for vengeance. “This better be worth it.” He walks over to the counter, the cashier paying no mind to the air around them being tense—a simmer of a detonation. “We’re talking outside.”</p><p>It’s still raining when they step out. Yukhei takes out a yellow umbrella from his bag and opens it, holding it over their heads. <em> How foolish</em>, Renjun thinks. Jaemin is right—this is one crush that’s not going to be easy to tackle. In movies, this is probably the moment where Renjun’s character would say <em> I think I like you </em>and Yukhei’s character would kiss him as a response and the light of the convenience store would be the most romantic thing a high school, coming-of-age movie would get.</p><p>“I’m sorry for what I said, for how I reacted,” is how Yukhei starts. “I didn’t mean it like that but it came out all wrong and what I said was dumb.”</p><p>“What do you mean,” Renjun inhales and exhales; there’s still stardust stuck in his lungs, “you didn’t mean it like that?”</p><p>“I mean—it’s not just you who thinks one of us is a star here,” Yukhei explains and the sounds of the rain dissolves from Renjun’s ears. “When I was five, I thought you were the prettiest person in the entire world. I still think that, you know? I meant it when I said you were someone who lights up the world. It wasn’t just what a five-year-old kid would say—maybe—but it’s like. Ugh. It’s like, we’re not stars but kind of like two aliens moon-watching and stealing glances at each other when the other doesn’t see? Does that make sense?”</p><p>Renjun’s knees buckle from under him, “You’re in love with me.”</p><p>“Yes,” Yukhei breathes out, “and it took me moving across the world to realize it.”</p><p>“A whole decade…” Renjun’s clenches his fist, fingers tightening around the biodegradable plastic bags. “For a whole decade you’ve been treating me like Jaemin. If I’d known better, you saw me as just another little brother—”</p><p>“I wasn’t,” Yukhei interrupts, moving the umbrella so that the rain wouldn’t wet Renjun’s shoulders, “Didn’t I say I would be the one marrying you?”</p><p>“You—! You can’t make promises like that. You were a <em> kid</em>.”</p><p>“I’m not promising anything if that’s what you want,” Yukhei shakes his head, “I would grow you a field of Cosmos flowers. Do—Do you get it? I’m saying—I want you to know that you were never a little brother to me. You may be Jaemin’s best friend but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t be his brother-in-law.” Renjun’s shoulders slump and his head is down but Yukhei doesn’t stop, “I’m sorry I laughed at the first response when it should have been me kissing your forehead and telling you I feel the same way. I was just… a little bit taken aback. So, if you still—if you <em> want</em>, we could try but one word from you is forever for me.”</p><p>“You know I still have those glow-in-the-dark stickers you gave me stuck on my ceiling?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Yukhei nods, a sad smile, “and I hurt you.”</p><p>“I forgive you,” Renjun says, wiping away the tears, plastic bags crumpling over the sounds of the pitter-patter of rain.</p><p>“So, as a late but proper response,” Yukhei cups a hand around his cheek. “I like you, too.”</p><p>Renjun peels off his hand to place a butterfly kiss on the centre of his palm, disrupting a constellation and creating a new one, “If you don’t add ‘as a family member’ in the next three seconds, you have to take me out on a hotpot date.”</p><p>“Hotpot date!” Yukhei exclaims. “Babe, you’re a genius!”</p><p>“One…” Renjun counts and then laughs when Yukhei says <em> Two! Three! </em>a little too fast. “You know, I wouldn’t mind being your husband.”</p><p>Yukhei leans in to press his forehead against Renjun’s, “Let’s see what another decade might bring us.”</p><p>“Okay, enough,” Renjun pulls away, poking Yukhei’s bottom lip when he starts pouting, “I need to go back inside and buy a few things for dinner tonight.”</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>(Later, they kiss by the swings in the playground next to Johnny’s Mart and it’s not even romantic because their shoes—for Renjun, it’s the pair he wears to school—are covered in mud from the aftermath of the rain and there are only dark clouds for miles above them and it’s <em> cold </em>but Renjun can taste the Coca-Cola cherry lip smacker on Yukhei’s lips and maybe Yukhei can taste the coffee on his tongue -</p><p>Renjun thinks he could cut themselves some slack.</p><p>“Wanna get out of here?” Yukhei asks, turning his head to face Renjun, his eyes glimmering with the shine of the Big Dipper.</p><p>Renjun giggles, swaying, “Where to, my darling?”</p><p>Yukhei hums, looking up at the sky, before grinning at him, “You did say you wanted to buy new glow-in-the-dark stickers. Wait—! I wanna give you something.” He pulls out a Cosmos flower, wrapping the pedicel into a loop to mimic -</p><p>“A ring,” Renjun laughs, holding out a hand so Yukhei could slide the ring on his finger. “Is this a proposal?”</p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>“Here I’m thinking if you wanted to buy diet cokes and vodka—for old times’ sake or something,” Renjun jokes, stopping mid-giggle when he accidentally steps in a dirty puddle, and for a whole minute, they had only stared down at his shoes half-submerged in the sludge, before they burst out laughing. “How <em> romantic</em>. Eh, wait. Let’s do that some other day. I still need to make Chenle dinner—Kun and mama have a night shift later. Wanna help?”</p><p>“Cooking for <em> my </em>brother-in-law?” Yukhei snorts, “I thought you’d never ask.”)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>you’ve been riding two wheelers all your life / it’s not like i’m asking to be your wife <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17lKhyL4qUI">♡</a></p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/yangiebff">twt</a> | <a href="https://weonderful.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> | <a href="https://curiouscat.me/weonderlust">cc</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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